Brother, please
by Vanadium23
Summary: Mathieu is only Alfred's shadow...right? Hardly recognized-hardly seen.   Second thoughts. Hardly loved.   Smothered in Sin. Hardly clean.
1. Intro

Poor, poor Canada~ haha another I started watching tele, but finished later.

_*disclaimer: I don't own hetalia. Or Heaven. ^-^_

IMPORTANT: i uploaded this a while ago, but changed it because i didnt like it. and...it was way too short. it has a long plot-please bear with me/

_

* * *

_

"…_thinking about our younger years,_

_There was only you and me._

_We were young and wild and free…"_

_Why? Why do people forget me? Why must I be cast away when everyone's talking and laughing with each other? All I can do is sit, alone. For Christ's sake, my only companion is a POLAR BEAR. And said polar bear can't even remember who I am. _

I'll tell you why….it's because I am _his _shadow. I lay upon the ground waiting for him to fall; to trip and come tumbling off of his high horse. And even if he were to fall-I'd never let him.

He's too busy being reliable…

Away from those dreams of him being able to save everyone…_can he even save everyone? _After he's gone and assisted Germany breaking down the wall of Berlin and after he's given Japan hope of life again. When he's done with the futility of 'saving' Korea and meddling with Russian affairs…will he still survive?

Will he…have enough time to save _me?_

Not that I plan on fighting, I'm only hypothetically speaking. The 'what if' etched into the air around me, constantly swallowing me into my mind's thoughts of despair and confusion.

Confusion-that's the word that explains it. _Everything._

Why does he always feel the need to _save_ everyone? Why does he make sure he's protecting all those in need? I'm sure there are many others capable of help…probably more so than he.

But he's got the determination. The drive. The heart that can and will withstand it all until he can utter the words, "_I did it!_" Until he can claim _victory_.

I thought it was an insecurity that caused his obsession with saving everyone…but that's not quite right.

He genuinely cared for everyone.

It was about two years ago when it all happened. I hate thinking about it. I hate talking about it. I hate dreaming about it. But you know what? I can't help it. The dreams never go away. Reality never goes away.

Well, reality sucks.

I never used to really mind being mistaken for Alfred. Not really, I mean, when twins look so much alike-you can't really blame others for mistaking you. I could understand that people sometimes never saw me as "Matthieu Williams" but as "Alfred F. Jones."

But the thing that they now don't understand, is that I'm really NOT Alfred. I'm not loud and happy all the time. I don't like hamburgers in the slightest and I most certainly am NOT a Hero.

Though, a couple years ago-I could definitely be a candidate to be one.

But what hurts the most is that no one pays attention. No one listens to me, and when they do listen, they warp my words. They make me look crazy-when I'm not.

I'm tired of sitting alone in a room only clad in white. I'm sick of getting visits everyday from men whose names I can't even remember because I've been here too long.

_From men who don't even remember my name_.

I heard footsteps echoing their way towards me. A jingle of locks and the door that confines me to this stupid room swung open. "Ah, Alfred. Good, I was afraid I might have to wake you up. You have visitors coming later, but before that we'd like to conduct the usual examinations."

Fake smiles. Fake words. Fake people.

Oh- _and I'm not Alfred._

I groaned and stood up from my crouched position in the corner of the room. Another day-another chance. Futile chance….but still a chance to change their minds.

To a person who hasn't been with me throughout the past two and a half years, you probably have no idea what I'm talking about.

Allow me too elaborate.

* * *

reviews:D im in the midst of writing the very long flashback-_-' but! i should be up within today or tomorrow:D


	2. Pain

*disclaimer: i do not own hetalia. Please read the bottom to find the translations if need be.

* * *

Two years previous:

"Alfred! Alfred! Where are y-oh! Hey, Arthur, have you seen-" Strong hands grasped my shoulders tightly.

"ALFRED! Oh-thank god. Thankyouthankyouthankyou!" He paused breathing heavy. Had he been looking for Alfie too?

"Arthur, I'm not-"

"Alfred-I've been looking for you for hours. Jesus-you had me worried." A cell phone began ringing. The ring tone was….the United Kingdom national anthem. Oh Arthur~

I smiled. He unwillingly pulled out his phone and blushed at the message displayed on the screen. Must be Francis.

"Tha-that frog! Damnit-" He turned back to me, his grip on my shoulders much softer than before. "Alfred, I have to go. Sorry, I'll talk later. But-whatever you do DON'T go near your capital. Please, by the gods, do not go near it." His tone suddenly grew very dark and his green orbs bore into mine. "Alfred, this is not a matter of jokes, I'm serious. Do not go to D.C., or you will…" After a short pause Arthur released me and hurried off to wherever Francis called him to, muttering English profanities and swearing under his breath.

"B-but! I'm not…. Alfred…" I sighed. He didn't seem like he wanted to finish that sentence….. I wonder what was going on near Alfred's capital…Oh well, probably something important that they don't want Alfred screwing up. Nothing to worry too much over. Now, to find Alfred and ask where my car keys were…

An hour later:

"UGH!" I flopped down on one of the patio chairs. Where was he? What in the name of maple could he be doing right now? I yawned loudly, closing my eyes. I was tired-extremely tired. Alfred had kept me up the past couple weeks barging into my vacation house with tears in his eyes telling me he had yet again-another nightmare. Always something about guns and falling. I didn't really listen too much, just waited for him to finish and then offer to make him pancakes.

He'd stop crying, eat the pancakes, and fall into an easy slumber. Unfortunately for me, I'd never fall back asleep. I yawned again, feeling the line between reality and unconsciousness slowly fade.

…

* * *

"-ieu! Mathieu! HEY! Wake up!" A voice racked me from my-for once-peaceful sleep. Ugh. I groggily cracked my eyes open. I slowly began to get up, and was in mid-yawn when someone was violently shaking me. "Matvey! It's an emergency! _Please_-wake!" Ivan? What's wrong? Wait-what was he doing in America? Why was he-

"Mathieu, oh dear god, Mathieu. Please. Come with us. _It's your brother._" My eyes widened significantly.

"Al-Alfie?" Oh no. what's wrong? Antonio? Why was Antonio here, and Ivan too? What happened to Alfred?

Antonio grabbed my right wrist and began tugging me away. Tears filled Ivan's eyes. Ivan? Fuck no-I did not just see _Russia_ crying.

"Where are you taking me?" I said as I was thrown into the backseat of what I'm assuming to be Ivan's car. It was big, really big.

"You'll see when we get there. We only have so much t-" Ivan was slapped by Antonio-who gave him a dirty look. One that seemed to tell Ivan to shut up, because that's exactly what he did after that.

"Mathieu, are you okay?" The strangled question came after a long silence. Antonio turned around, his eyes red and glossy.

"I don't know. I don't even know what's going on!" I spat aggravated. Why couldn't either of them just tell me? What did Alfred do this time that was so bad they couldn't even mention it?

"I know, I know. And I'd like tell you but I really can't."

"Why not? Is someone-" The car jerked right and I flew to the other side of the backseat. I hadn't noticed until now, but Ivan was a terrible driver. I'm betting on the fact that he can be real frickin' scary to why he hasn't been pulled over yet.

I probably should put on a seatbelt…

The car slammed to a halt, sending me flying forward into the front of the car. I landed in between Ivan and Antonio, on top of the stick-shift. That's gunna' bruise.

"Come." Ivan's hands were freezing through his gloves. He had grabbed me by the back of my shirt tucked my under his arm.

"Hey! I can walk! Hello! Ivan, I can walk!" He said nothing as he rushed into the building he had parked-horribly may I add- in front of. Where were we?

Russia rushed passed the lady at the front desk and slammed his foot into the door beside the elevator.

I don't think the desk lady minded, Antonio stopped to assure her that I wasn't being carried against my will.

I bounced up and down as he stormed up flights of stairs. "Why couldn't we take the elevator? Wouldn't it have been easier?" Russia shook his head, maintaining his focus on…well….whatever he was thinking about.

"Nyet, too slow." And to be honest, I'm not sure if the elevator _would_ have been faster than this. Who knew Ivan could run this fast? Especially while carrying extra weight.

With a sudden movement he plowed through another thick door. Onto what floor! The sign said twenty-seven.

He just ran up twenty-seven flights of stairs in three minutes?

Are you kidding me?

Wow…I guess Alfred was right when he told us that we underestimated his physical strength. I still wonder how Alfred knows Ivan's strength….

Alfred. That's why I'm here. Focus. I'm….in a hospital? Where's Alfred? Everything was fine this morning. It was a bright, sunny day. No clouds in the sky. Birds chirping happily in their nests.

What could've gone wrong?

"Ivan!" Natalya screamed down the long white hallway. As we grew closer she continued in what I can only know to be Russian. "Брат! Где Вы были? Это были часы! Что взяло Вас так долго? Он призвал к нему!" Russia silenced her with a look as he propped me onto the hard, ceramic white tiles.

"Тихий! Он не был в его собственном доме. Матиу был в доме Альфреда." Belarus looked at me, tears streaming down her pale, fear ridden face. She scowled at me, but before I knew it, she was pulling me into a back-breaking hug.

I never knew her to be one of physical embrace. Or…any embrace. She's violent and frightening. I remember Alfred telling me one night over dinner that she wasn't too bad when you got used to her.

* * *

"_Alfred, why do you keep looking at that knife? You're beginning to scare me." Alfred sighed slightly, placing the knife down beside his plate. _

"_Nothing, really. It just reminded me of Natalya." He chuckled and shoved a mouthful of potatoes into his mouth…or what should have been his mouth. He kind of missed and ended up having half of it smear across his cheek. He didn't seem to mind too much._

"_Belarus?" I questioned. _

"_No-the other Natalya. Haha Duh. Mattie you can be so stupid sometimes." He grinned and began pouring himself more soda. I could almost see his mind work. He poured a little into his cup, looked at the bottle and stopped. He had decided that the amount that he had wanted would never fit into the regular size cup I had given him. So, he downed the small amount in the cup and resumed drinking the rest from the entire bottle._

"_Why were you thinking about Natalya-well, I understand the knife reminded you but, why?" He's been mentioning her a lot lately._

"_Well, with Ivan gone into hiding over his…identity crisis-" he flinched at the term. "She's been talking to me a lot now actually. She stops by here and there. Brings me coffee and such. Poison in it-but it's the thought that counts." He smiled. _

"_Huh…I thought you were afraid of her-you know. Not on such good terms."_

_He blinked. "Oh-fuck no. I'm terrified of her. You've seen what she can do." He stopped eating for a moment and rested his hand-still grasping his fork-on the table. "It's just…I can sympathize with her. It must be tough with someone close to you having trouble and knowing there's barely anything you can do to help them. You ….begin to blame yourself." His eyes grew a bit sad for a minute, then he shook his head and continued stuffing his face. _

_I smiled, leaning on my arm looking at him over the rim of my glasses. "Yeah…I guess you're right." He was such a Hero._

* * *

"Uh-um Natalya, I-"

"YOU BETTER NOT SCREW UP!" she sniffled. "O-out of everything y-you could possibly, mess up, I s-swear to you whatever god you hail t-to that I will find you-" Ivan tugged on her dress. She pulled away and wiped her tears with her right sleeve, trying to regain her composure. She put a hand on my back saying, "-_and murder you_." And I was pushed into the room.

At first, I wasn't too aware of my surroundings. I was standing only about a foot from the doorway, so I couldn't even be considered within the room. I wasn't noticed by anyone there, either. But that was to be expected.

After taking another step or two, an overwhelming dread took place of my confusion. It was….painful.

If you've ever had someone you loved end up in a hospital, and you aren't knowing of what happened to them, you know the feeling.

When your stomach is doing flips and you feel like throwing up every bit of the contents in your stomach. The blood in my veins pulsated about thrice the speed it should have been. The pounding in my head grew and I felt dizzy. My heart felt constricted in my chest and my face grew wet as I heard a strangled cry from the opposite side of the dividing curtain.

Alfred? No….Alfie wouldn't be making such a noise. Alfred's fine.

Another cry, but this one was silenced by the sound of someone's voice.

A doctor? No.

Chains wrapped their way around me. I couldn't move. Please, oh god, please. What's happening?

I turned back to the door. It was closed, and after a moment-Ivan's face appeared. His gaze urged me to go see, but I couldn't. I was frozen. I couldn't move.

"_MA-MATTTIIIIEEEEE-GAAAAAGHH!_" A pain filled screech cut through the room. It gurgled and stung. It sounded like….he was drowning? But that's not possible….he's not in water. _"Unless it's his own blood he's choking on." _Ivan's voice spoke in my head. He would have said something like that.

I slid to the floor, clutching myself so tightly I could felt bruises forming and small amounts of blood run over my finger tips. The door creaked open. "Matvey."

I didn't move. I tried inhaling, but nothing worked. My chest heaved as it tried pressing air into my shriveled lungs. My skin burned all over. Needles-needles pinning my joints together. "Matvey, listen to me. He needs you." _He needs you too. _I couldn't help but think. "He _wants you_. You heard him-your name. Get up, Matvey. Go and _save your brother._" Ivan spat.

"I-I-I-I c-can't g-"

"Matvey, if you do not get over there-I will _throw_ you over there." His voiced swore an edge of menace. Was he jealous? Why didn't Alfred want him? Ivan had loved…. I strained my neck as I slowly looked up at the Russian.

"W-why aren't you c-crying?" My voice held more hostility than I meant it to, but at this point….I'm not sure what I should be feeling.

Ivan stayed silent for a few seconds, then after pulling me up by the arm he stated, "_Боль не повреждала, когда это - все, что Вы когда-либо чувствовали_."

And I got it. I actually understood him. I mean-I didn't understand what Ivan had said. I only understood his tone of voice. Of course Ivan was sad. Of course he was furious at whatever happened. Ivan had been through so much pain throughout his entire life. He'd been beaten, whipped, scarred, cut, and crushed. He'd lived anyone's worst nightmares. Alfred had saved him from those nightmares. Alfred had dove in and crushed the monsters-despite how unstoppable and big they were.

And that's exactly what I needed to do. I needed to man the fuck up and save my older brother. I rubbed my face with my sleeves and turned to Ivan , nodding my head.

He closed the door muffling the complaints Natalya had begun to make. Probably something about how I wasn't going fast enough. I moved closer to the curtain.

I could hear a machine. Several machines; all bussing and beeping in erratic patterns. I'm not a doctor, but I don't think that's how they're supposed to sound. I hiccupped, my breathing still not settled.

"Alfred? Alfred F. Jones! Can you hear-CAN YOU HEAR ME?" A voice yelled a little worried and aggravated.

"DON'T YELL AT HIM!" Japan had covered his mouth immediately after demanding this. He blushed at his discourteous behavior. The doctor whipped around to glare at him. "Do not tell me how to do my job, _sir_. I'm trying to _save _your _friend_ here. You shouldn't even be in this room right now." Kiku bowed his head.

I moved the curtain to cross into the area they were all in so I-_oh my god._

Ludwig noticed my presence before Kiku did. "Mathieu, n-_oh!_"

I fell to my knees, spewing the contents of my intestines into the nearest bin-which I highly doubt is a trash can.

"Ma-Mattie? Is that you Mattie? MATTIE!" The smothered voice rang out again. Calling-calling me. The hospital bed shook. The white sheets were covered in blood. Something was announced over the intercom, I didn't hear it. I was focusing on standing. _Be strong Mathieu_.

"Lift your head." I did as I was told. Ludwig started wiping my face with a cloth. I let my eyes drift to the bin I puked in. there was a lot more in there than I would have expe- "We all had the same reaction when we saw." Ah. That makes sense.

"Mattie?" I flinched. I opened my mouth respond….but nothing came out. I stood there, beside Kiku and Ludwig, just…._staring. _I couldn't help it.

I've never seen such a mess of a human being in my entire life.

I've been with Alfred through thick and thin. I've gone from seeing him scrape his knee when learning to ride a bike, to seeing him break both his arms during the Civil War. Not once have I seen him….slaughtered.

Because that was the only term I could think of for the state that he was in.

Alfred was smiling through the caked blood and tears on his face. One eye was covered with a bandage and some plastic. His teeth-once a pearly white, now red and yellow; and from where I was standing-his gums were shredded too. "Mattie….." He choked on a sob.

I closed my eyes tightly. The pounding in my head increasing.

The hope in his raspy throat rung throughout the whole room.

I felt ashamed from my previous reaction. That wasn't pain that I was feeling. That was nothing. It was but a mere pinch compared to this. This was…. As if someone took a hatchet repetitively to his body. And then poured gasoline on the wounds-lighting it up with a match, only to put it out by dipping him in bleach and snake venom.

I felt bile rise in my throat again. I swallowed it-I wasn't looking away now. I just wouldn't? Who could?

Alfred has been through too many wars. World wars one and two, Civil war, King William's War, Austrian Succession, Revolution, War of 1812, _and many more_. He's heard gunshots before feeling them as well as the other way around. He's experienced torture in one of the highest levels-from having his blood drained to being locked in a cage for years. Jumped in front of a canon to save his enemies. Had to hurt some of his friends.

_America had been through war_. _Alfred had gone through war_.

Who was I to deny him his hope? Who was I to say he couldn't be everyone's Hero?

I felt small hands on my back urging me towards the bedside.

I opened my eyes.

"Yes Alfred?"

* * *

"Брат! Где Вы были? Это были часы! Что взяло Вас так долго? Он призвал к нему!" = "Brother! Where have you been? It has been hours! What took you so long? He has been calling for him!"  
"Боль не повреждала, когда это - все, что Вы когда-либо чувствовали." = "Pain does not hurt, when it is all you have ever felt."

Reviews keep me writing:D sad chapter. haha please adivse:3


	3. To Sleep

*disclaimer: i do not own hetalia. anyway~ i finally got this done:D horrible writers block. TT^TT why does that always happen when i write fanfiction? why not whenever i just write? ugh. please enjoy:3

* * *

"_You can't do that_." My fists clenched as I restrained myself from hitting something-anything. If one thing came too close to me, _[just one more step, Ivan-one more step] _I'm not positive I could hold myself back. Not that they thought I stood any chance against any of them-but that wouldn't stop me. "You _can not _do that."

This was disgusting. The idea was awful-unforgivable.

_Mutinous_.

"I'm afraid we must, Matvey. We have no other choice. His people need-"

"_SCREW WHAT HIS PEOPLE NEED!" _I screamed. "_What about him? Are we just going to sit and leave him to die? What about Alfred_." I shook my head crying. Why? Why had this all happened? Why couldn't they just leave the situation alone, why couldn't everything just pause for a moment and let things calm down. Let _me _calm down.

Everyone in the room shifted. An ominous and wretched aura hung about the closed area, it clung to the walls like grape vines and wrapped around every guest-filling lungs with a miasma that burned tears into their eyes. Constricting them like a boa.

Satan's having his fun today, _isn't he? _I was not amused.

I didn't want to be here. I really didn't. I was forced against my will to leave his side. They brought me there only to show me what happened-_to shake me up_. To frighten scared little Canada into helping the U.S. And they were right-I was scared. I was petrified, in fact. They made me leave my _dying twin's _hospital bed to bring me to a meeting. A MEETING. A meaningless, something-I-could-have-possibly-avoided-if-Russia-wasn't-so-damned-huge, meeting.

Did they think they could just toss me around because I seemed weak? Who did they think they were? I've perfected this façade of silence long enough and I'm sick and tired of this bullshit.

"Mathieu-you cannot really believe we can just wait here for him to get 'better', the longer we wait-the more chaos spreads. We need to act now. We need to fix this _now_." Was that regret in this voice? The confidence in those words was very small.

Francis stood from leaning against the pale wall. His golden locks were frayed and tangled from the mass of people he had to charge diligently through to get here. Purple and yellow bags had dug homes under his usual light eyes-which had now faded to a dark gray. His clothes were torn slightly at the sleeves and his shoes covered in red dirt.

_He was supposed to be damage control._

"No….no!" I refused. I wouldn't allow this to happen. I wouldn't.

"Mathieu….we know you must be feeling…..horrible-" _Well no shit, Sherlock_. "-and we are all feeling the same way, but you can't expect anything to go back to normal after a crisis such as this. If Alfred remains in his current state as his country, his empire-the entire empire of America will…_crumble_." _And Alfred will _die _before his country disappears…literally. _Ludwig's unsaid words hung in the air. I know they all meant well-I did. I really did, but that wasn't going to stop me from questioning and refusing the ludicrous.

Because that's exactly what they were mentioning: insanity.

I crumpled into the chair behind me and let my lashes fall. Standing had become too much of a chore during these recent hours. The energy was completely gone; drained from my body.

Blinking, talking, breathing-all these things were easier when Alfred was… _himself. _When Alfred was with me.

When I was with him.

* * *

"_Yes, Alfred?" I feigned a smile. Crying wasn't something to show in front of a broken person. _

_Small cracks of blood shifted on his face as his grin only grew in size. "M-Mattie…I-I w-wan'ed (wanted) to-o s-see you…" Blankets covered his torso. Blood seeped through the sheets until near the entire bed was drenched in the gross burnt crimson color. A flood of mount dragon lilies staining the sheets. There were some pale yellow spots-but they most definitely weren't urine stains-though you cannot fathom how much I wished they were. _

_They were up near his chest-_over his lungs_._

"_He was brought here about three hours ago. The big tall man over there had been carrying him wrapped in a carpet." The doctor motioned towards the door. "I'm not going to go into too much detail but, he's broken most of his ribs, fractured his pelvis, three concussions, five broken fingers- missing his right pinky finger, lungs collapsing, fractured spinal cord, blind in his left eye, and his pulse is all over the place." He seemed a tad frazzled._

"_N-not into detail…?" I choked. The older man shook his head, staring directly into my eyes with some sort of empathy._

"_You don't want to know the rest of it." G-great. _

_A name was loudly announced over the loud speaker-something about emergency care-and the doctor huffed and ran out of the room._

_The blank, white room. Leaving me with a horrible ringing in my ears. "Not too bad-right M-Mattie?" An attempted joke. I felt my face scrunch in agony. "Y-yeah Alfie, not too bad." I sniffed and swallowed my tears. I'm here to help him-not scare the shit out of him by crying._

"_T-tell me Mattie," Blood leaked out of the corners of his chapped mouth. He turned his fractured skull to me to the best of his ability. "Why are your eyes red?"

* * *

_

"You know, we all loved-_love_ him. We all care deeply for his well being and country. We're suffering as much as you are right now. We know-" Germany was such a well worded country. Even during genocide, they made their actions seem beneficial. Though I'd think anyone would agree that they most certainly were not.

"Really? Because I'm not too convinced that you are." I argued, my brows furrowed as my eyes remained closed. They all claimed to feel the same pain-yet none were showing it. Not one shed a tear. Not one shook in fear.

Francis? Yeah, sure he had looked completely fatigued and as if he'd just run forward into a pack of wild bulls-but his eyes lacked something. Their usual shining glory and lust was replaced with …worry. But I'm not sure that the worry was for Alfred. I'm not even positive it was for anyone else either. He'll claim that it was for Arthur-but is that it?

* * *

_Everyone sees your good side-but masks don't fall around everyone.

* * *

_

Francis loved Arthur-that much as obvious-but what 'type' of love was it? Did he genuinely care for England? Or was it that he cared only because he didn't want Arthur to stop loving him in a mental fury?

You see now?

Kiku hardly showed his true emotions. Sure-he'd compliment Al when he was around…but those compliments were empty and half hearted. He was jealous of America. No matter how intelligent and well-developed Japan was, it'd never become an empire like America was. No matter how healthy Japan may be and how artistic they were-they'd never beat America. All the fights between the two countries. The bombings. The aero-fights. The insults. The lies.

Kiku's people even went to lengths of copying American culture. They were nothing but clones. _Nasty, self-loathing clones_. Fortunately for them, their government along with most other countries told them off. Alfred was America-and no one- _no one_- could be better or similar to that. _Then again-not many wanted to be._

Germany has had his…._times_. And Alfie's helped him too. Hitler was a bitch, but Al assisted in getting rid of him too, right?

_And what did Spain have to do with Alfred _other than _the Spanish Empire?_

Then there's Russia. Russia- or at some points-the Soviet Union. Alfred knew him as both. Alfred had known Ivan more than anyone during both times. Hated him during both times. And, despite what either will say, _loved _him during both times. But… can Ivan ever truly love Al? Will he ever care for anyone else…._can he? _

All of the lies, threats, wars and spies….I'm not sure those two will ever get along.

So out of all of them…who really cared? Who is here to actually stand up for Alfred….or are they all just here for America?

Because frankly, I do not think they're both the same anymore. At least…they won't be.

"You know, you sit and talk and try to convince me about how much you care, but I've yet to see one act of affection in the _slightest _from any of you in these past hours! And may I remind you-they were god-for-fucking _long_." I hissed. My words couldn't possibly convey the emotion I was feeling right now. _Fists _couldn't convey the emotion.

Heavy scuffs on the carpet made their way towards where I was sitting in a frantic pattern. They stopped in front of me. There was an awkward pause before Ivan had me pinned to the wall by my throat before I could even open my eyes.

"Ivan! The hell are you doing? _Hello?_ Hey-listen to me-"

"_Nyet_. You listen to _me_, Matvey." His voice was a very _deep_ and coarse croak. Almost like Al's was in the hospital room, except Ivan's was strong-_it had a purpose_.

Maybe to terrorize the shit out of me-but still a purpose.

He was angry. "Permit me to first illuminate that you're most _certainly not_-nor will _ever_ be- the only one to care for Alfred. You are _not_ the only one wondering and determining what's best for his survival and you are _not_ going to _sit here _and look down upon all of us as if we have no idea how to _treat someone like a human_." He shook me in his grip. "Because we _do_, Matvey. And we _don't_ know how to fix Alfred right now-but I can tell you _I'm working on it_." I opened my mouth to say something, but his fingers wrapped themselves around my jaw to force it shut until he was finished. The rest decided to take seats behind him.

"Second, I should like to tell you that America is the one of the world's leading countries. You know well enough that out of North America, he _owns_ that continent. His _name's _on it. If word breaks loose that _ANYTHING _has happen to obstruct something over here, then there's going to be a major issue with chaos and free war. That _is why Japan has worked with the government agencies to shut down internet services in this country until further notice_. France is working with America's navy, army and pilots to find the perpetrators. Places above and below us are littered with Alfred's "_bugs_". Ludwig has his spies everywhere and everything that I, _Russia_, can possibly offer-is on the table. We're all contributing to finding Alfred, _Matvey_. How _DARE _you accuse us of not caring. You must think me a cold hearted _bastard _of a country-" He pressed harder into my neck. He moved so that his voice was but a whispered bite through my ear. "-but I assure you-that the only difference between us right now is that I'm acting productively on _my emotions_."

My mind began processing the information as I thought he was finished-but his vice grip never left my face-though he himself moved back a bit.

"I'm not even sure why I'm here." I mumbled statement came from a brunette sitting in a chair next to Francis. "I mean, I care for Alfred like the rest of you-" Ivan shot him a glare which made him shiver. "-and I _want _to do all that I can, but….there's not much I can do. I import things. I travel. _I don't go to war anymore_. I can provide transportation-fast sails. Smooth plane rides. But…not much else." Watery green eyes looked up into mine from across the room. "But _you_, you on the other hand have _so much _you can do. More so than _any _of us-even Ivan. More than _anyone_. And yet….you're refusing to comply with such simple demands. What's so bad about this?" Antonio was now standing, along with France who stood up after him: a solemn look on his features.

"The Western borders and states have been swept with no trace of any immediate threats. The eastern half hasn't been touched due to several explosions after the first. People are running ramped because they do not know what's going on, and they're _afraid _to know what's wrong. They need a _leader_. The president is not going to satisfy this country alone-he needs someone there to guarantee safety, someone with a _familiar face_." Francis had pushed his chair out and was now slowly walking towards Ivan and I.

Ludwig, Kiku, and Antonio remained seated for a few moments before they also stood. Ivan turned back to me. "Matvey, I know you care about Alfred. I know you would do most anything for him. Whenever he's in need of a shoulder he goes to you," His face grew tight around that sentence. "And you comfort him. Right now, we are _all_ relying on your shoulders. We are handing you a burden to carry like no other-and yet it needs to be carried by someone." He paused; looked me dead in the eyes and said, "You are the only one of us who hasn't done anything. The president is awaiting news to what we are going to do. So, _Matvey_-_care to enlighten me?_"

* * *

"_Why are your eyes red?" My body froze for a second, then relaxed as I lied through my teeth._

"_Oh Al, you know how allergic I am to those nasty cheeseburgers of yours." I knelt beside his bed and laid one of my hands on his bandaged forehead. Really-what _wasn't _bandaged right now? _

_He twitched. "T-THEY ARE N-NOT N-NAST-TY!" He huffed loudly. Catching his breath after a second, he thought. "Wait…you ate one of my cheeseburgers, Mattie?" He tried to move his arm up to his head so he could hold my hand, but he…he _didn't have the strength _to pull his arm up. I brought mine to his. _

"_Yeah…" I forced a smile. "And it tasted awful." _

"_N-no. they a-are made of a-awesome and amazing-ness and d-deliciousness and-f-fuck, I'll even say _r-rainbows_." His visible brow furrowed noticeably. _

"_Alright, Alfie, alright. I'll listen to you this time." _

_It was quiet for some time until Alfred spoke again. "Mattie…d-do you rem-member when we were lil' and t-this kinda' s-stuff used to happen t-to me all the t-time?" He questioned softly._

"_Al, this is hardly something we could say has happened to you before…I mean, a scraped knee is one thing-but…" My words drifted off._

"_I know…" he responded. "I just couldn't help but wonder how Arthur is going to scold me this time…" His lids closed slowly._

_I blinked. Where-where was Arthur? What _is _he going to say…?_

"_Well…you only you can imagine…right Alfie?" _

…

_Several minutes flew by._

…

"_Al?….AL?" I hadn't noticed the heart monitor change due to my concentration with Alfred. Oh no….ohno-ohno-ohno-ohno! _

"_Fuck. HELP! SOMEBODY-HELP!" I called towards the door. Something was wrong with Alfred. Something worse than before. _

Was that possible?

* * *

"_No! Let me in to see him. I need to see him!" I tried pushing my way through the nurses blocking the doorway to Al's room. _

"_I'm sorry sir, but we've been ordered by the directing doctor to not allow anyone who isn't staff into this room. It's of vital importance."_

"_But I'm- I'm family! He needs me!" I hollered. Do they not understand?_

_A man in a white lab coat drenched in blood poked his head through the doorway. "You'll only be in the way! Leave! Stop this nonsense. We have work to do and we need to concentrate. He's in a coma-you won't be needed anyway!" With that his head then retreated back behind the door separating Alfie and I…._

"_Leave them be, Matvey. And aside that, we need to talk." I turned myself to find bloodshot eyes. _

_Eyes that had been crying. _

"_Ivan…" He turned and motioned for me to follow him. I obliged by the gesture._

_He led me to a conference room a floor above where Alfred resided comatose. I was surprised to find that Francis, Antonio, Kiku, and Ludwig were also in the room. All with discerned faces. _Knowing _faces._

"_Mathieu, oh mon dieu, mon précieux." I was pulled into a tight hug by a mess of blond locks. The voice sounded somewhat….relieved?_

"_Francis…Ce qui est erroné?…" I felt him shake in my arms. I was about to begin rubbing his back in comfort when a immense pressure shot through my left shoulder. _

_France let go and took two steps back. He whipped his eyes and swallowed hard-refusing to look me in the eye._

"_Mathieu… maybe you should sit down…" He muttered._

"_Huh…? Why?" I didn't understand…what was going on?_

_Ludwig, Antonio and Kiku made their way to the chairs around the table in the center of the room. _

_Ivan released his grip on my shoulder as he too sat in a chair._

"_Umm, what's going on? Why are we here?" The atmosphere was uncomfortable. The pressure of it's power was growing. _

"_Mathieu, we are about to ask you to do something you are not going to like." Kiku's voice was quiet. "Nonetheless, we would like you to properly consider the consequences should you choose not to do what we ask." His words held order and commands, but his tone and manner couldn't have been more opposing._

_Silence filled the room again. "Okay…not much else that could ruin this day anymore than it already is…" _

"_Oh-we beg to differ Math-" Francis was kicked under the table. Hard, I would assume by his reaction._

"_You know well enough of Alfred's condition. And you also know his social, worldly status and importance. Because these two things have intertwined, we have two options to choose from." Russia paused, taking a breath. "One, we choose one country in this room to take control of America by force. To govern it until Alfred gets better. To make sure nothing happens. But…I cannot guarantee that he will get his country back… The second choice is to have someone be Alfred, be America until Alfred gets better. This will assure the citizens of the United States that nothing has happened to their country and they'll feel safe." _

_What? Be Alfred? Who-who could possibly… "Matvey, we need you to be Alfred."_

_The room spun. Huh? Me be Alfie? But…I have my own country to run. I…I can't do this. "B-but I won't be-" _

"_Francis would take care of Canada during your…absence." _

_Francis held back a sob. Apparently he wasn't all to happy about this either. _

"_I…I don't…no. No. This is wrong. I can't take America from him! What-why are you even…WHAT?" _

"_No offense, Mathieu…but you don't really have a choice." Ludwig ran a hand through his light, blond head._

"_Obviously! It seems I don't have a say in anything in this! Do you really think Alfred going to let you do this? He wouldn't even let you think about something this…this…"_

"_Alfred is not going to be told about this." Antonio interrupted._

"…_what?"_

"_He is not going to be asked nor informed about the situation. He is going to know." _

"_But…this…they won't let you do this! The president…the president won't go for it!" I frantically scrambled for words. _

"_The president won't know either, Matvey. He hasn't even been told about Alfred's current condition. He doesn't know anything but what we are about to tell him. All you'd have to do is get on the phone and-"_

"_What-what's going to become of Al while…when I'm…him…?"_

_A drowning silence overtook the room. It was like a flood-swallowing everything in sight. No one answered. No one talked. No one even dared to _breathe_._

"…_What…are…you-" I couldn't finish my sentence. Did I know what they were planning? I'm not sure. I hoped I didn't; because that would only mean that I had about a screwed up mind as they did for even thinking about it._

"_Alfred…will be…_'put to sleep'_…" _

"_P-put to sleep? What…what does that even mean?"_

"_It means…he won't be…well…"_

"_ARE FUCKING TELLING ME YOU'RE GOING TO _KILL_ ALFRED FOR THIS?" _

"_In a sense…yes."_

"…_ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MINDS?"_

"_Mathieu, we do not wish to hurt you but-"_

"_No-Francis-you just shut the fuck up. I'm not talking to you right now." They seemed alarmed at my language and manner. Really? They didn't expect his? _

_I turned to Ivan. Russia. The man Alfred was in love with. The man that was in love with Alfred. "You-are you telling me you're…_okay _with this? You're okay with putting Alfred to sleep like a _dog?_" I narrowed my eyes._

_He remained voiceless for a period of time before he admitted, "It was my idea."_

"…_Come again…?"_

"_You heard me quite well, Matvey. I do not wish to repeat-"_

"_Aren't you supposed to love him? The fuck!" I scraped my fingers across the table, effectively causing them to bleed._

"_I don't know what you're talking about Matvey. But you need to do this. I can always bring Alfred back. You need to fix this. There's only so much we can-" Bring Al back? After killing him? Not possible._

"_NO! I won't! I'm not Alfred! I'm Mathieu! Mathieu Williams! Not Alfred F. Jones. I do not run America. I can't." I stood stubborn. _

"_Do you really have a choice?" Wet, blue orbs dove into mine. Francis…?_

"_What-o-of course I do. I have free will…"_

"_I mean…Alfred is in the hospital…_d-dying_, and his country is in Hell. His people are dying. His economic affairs are being cut off one by one because we've cut all his ties until further notice…Are you going to let your older brother suffer the consequences of his downfall when he…_comes back?_"_

_No…they can't do this. They can't play that card. It's cheating. It isn't fair._

"_The only countries that know about this are the ones we informed. Which, I will add, is a very miniscule amount. No one would know the difference if you were to…step up to the plate-so the speak." Kiku added logically._

"_But…we don't look exactly alike…we're two different people…I mean… eye color…and hair style…and…this is _wrong_."_

"_I can fix that, Matvey-do not worry."_

"_No! I don't WANT to do this. And you can't make me! I'm not taking away Alfred. Don't you see? America is Al's life. HIS LIFE. And your about to take that away from him. It's what he lives for. It's his country. You can't control what happens. I won't let you take Al." Ivan took a step towards me, cautiously remaining a safe distance._

"_We can and we will. You cannot stop us. We're saving your brothers country. You'll thank us for this later."_

_Francis moved closer as well. "A-and…we'll do anything to make sure of that." _

_His eyes were hollow. Empty. He seemed as if he just left his body. He wasn't himself anymore. He wasn't thinking right. This was Alfred. ALFRED. What would England say, I wonder? _

_They can't do this. It's not their choice. Why are they all just going along with this charade? _

_I grinded my teeth. "You can't do that."

* * *

_

"So, _Matvey-care to enlighten me?_" Hot breath hissed down my neck. Ivan had his entire body pressed up against mine. Crushing me. Barely being able to breath, I tried to choke out some words-didn't work out too well.

"Ivan, Ivan-let him go. You can't do this." I van glared at Antonio. "Think of Alfred, Ivan. Would he want you to do th-"

"DOES IT MATTER? HE CAN'T EVEN MOVE RIGHT NOW, ANTONIO. HE-…he can't do anything…" Finally Ivan let go of me and moved away. His huge form slumped to the floor.

And I hate to admit it, but I felt sorry for his Communistic ass. I mean, here he was-this big, bulky, man of a man-wearing a pink scarf, with blood stains down the front of his jacket from Alfred-crumpled on the floor in agony. It was a sad scene to witness.

I swallowed and scrunched my face.

If only he were more human and had brighter ideas to solve problems. Rather than just ignoring the possibilities and putting the 'project' to sleep.

"Fine." I said moving away from them. "I'll do it. But you all better remember-and you better remember _real_ fucking well: that in YOUR times of crisis and war, when YOU were injured and not quite capable to rule, and when YOU needed someone-anyone to save you; despite whether or not being enemies-he was _your_ _fucking Hero. And you better not expect me to take the place of him. Because I won't._" I growled. "And Ivan? You're going to be the one to put him to sleep. I don't care how you get around to doing it. Ot how you do it. But I''m not allowing this to be easy for you. It was your idea." I thought about slamming the door-to add the dramatic, angry, _'I pity all of you' _effect. But I couldn't. Slamming the door wasn't going to save Alfred-it wasn't even going to help him. It was only going to prove how juvenile I was; I had a little growing up to do.

But right now, Al needed me to be a Hero, and _god damnit _I was gunna' give him one.

* * *

Three hours later:

"Hey-C-commi, those b-better not b-be sniffles I'm hearing. Cause sniffles mean tears, and t-tears mean y-you're sad. I might just havta' knock you f-flat if I f-find out that you are c-crying over t-this." Al said in his cheeky voice.

Ivan's face softened. His big, rough hands shifted around the IV. "…_Nyet, Alfred. I would never cry in front of you._"

* * *

okay~3 review damnit! :O haha this chapter is prolly the longest chapter ive ever posted on here. i usually cut em up a bit but...oh well:D any suggestions on what should happen? cuz im kinda lost. TT~TT au revoir my chikadees~ "BITCHES DON'T KNOW ABOUT MY CHICK!"


	4. The cell

OKAY! So this next chapter is dedicated to Binchan-whose fan fiction account I don't know. I'm now writing this for you:D haha

I'm super sorry I haven't updated. You have no idea how busy life has been.

So this is a preview for the next chapter. I'm not done with the next chapter yet-because I feel it's too short to excuse my long absence. SO. I'm posting this preview while I write more longness of the next chapter:3

PLEASE BEAR WITH ME. tons and tons of ideas are pouring out and will later be turned into marvelous chapters:3

* * *

I assumed it was a long five hours. Always have-always will. I never once asked him about it though. Nor did I want to know. All I _needed _to know was that he did it, that he went into that room for about three or four hours and came out with the job done. Completely obliterated after. That he felt sorry for himself and Alfred-because he knew that what he was doing was wrong. Hopefully, he'd come to realize like I did, that the world is too full of wrong-and that it takes a hero to fix that.

_And a hero almost never shows up._

I've learned this all too well. Over the years, all the waiting. They don't tell me anything in here. I know now that asking doesn't do much either. And the only things I do know are the things I knew.

I've also learned that karma is a bitch.

Anything I've done up until this point, this room, has amounted to nothing but misfortune. Nothing but regret. Nothing but poor pity for the lost soul among us that probably could have saved us. Saved me.

But, maybe that soul would just stand above me and look down in shame and disgust. Disappointment. Because everything I've done up until now has most likely hugely displeased him.

* * *

reviews would be amazing. and they keep me writing. :)


End file.
